Ginger-Watch (arm yourself)

Now we all know as a matter of fact that gingers have no souls. This has been known since the mid 60’s but due to the active soviet union the west (where gingers prefer to reside) did nothing about it for fear that Russia would dominate the world through larger numbers.

Now what most people did not know up until classified documents were released at he turn of the century was the need for Gingers to consume the souls of real people. In order to remain animated, they must feast on the souls of the living much as their close relatives the vampires, who also stalk the night, feast on blood. For your common ginger, a dark haired soul is vital life force which must be sustained at all costs.

Are you afraid? Well you should be this is a serious matter. I am here to put you at ease however. For a start, I would like to make clear some advances in ginger soul eating research. It turns out that you cannot have your soul eaten by any ginger you pass in the street. Other myths associated with gingers have also turned out t be false. For instance, sitting on a toilet seat that a ginger sat on before you does not mark you with their ginger scent thus making you the next target for “soul feasting”. Furthermore recent research has shown that there is no ginger gene. Even though gingers can only come from a family where there are gingers already it has nothing to do with genetics. And how could it, there is no soul gene. It turns out that once there was a couple, around 4000 BC who angered God and so he took their souls away. But they managed stay animate(the human body stays alive for an hour after a soul has left) by feasting on the souls of others. They then procreated, and the offspring were damned for their families wicked ways.

So We all know how it is that gingers come into existence. But this leaves us with the question, why are there still gingers being born on a daily basis especially considering how much people are grosses out by their pale complexion blemished only by dark patches of what they call “freckles” (although no like to regular freckles has ever been made. I prefer to think of them as marks of the gingerbeast). Well this repulsion has been prevalent since the first gingers prowled the night for prey. So how do they perpetuate? Well the truth is that gingers can only feed on the souls of those who deny their requests. What happens is that most often innocent people fall in with a ginger (usually liberal hippies and the like) and become trapped in a “relationship” (I say relationship but that implies some sort of emotion, which we know factually that gingers cannot have). The ginger then makes requests of the human who is forced to comply at pain of “soul feasting”, thus gingers propose marriage and procreation and all they choose from their chosen victim.

Now geneticists argue that ginger gene is a real phenomenon in that ginger is slowly being weeded out of the population. However this is explainable in terms of radical advancements n ginger preventative technology. Ear plugs which can block out even the loudest ginger request are the latest fashion in first world countries. I myself carry around three pairs and one which I have stored in my shoes in case of an emergency. Furthermore the number of occurrences of people putting their fingers in their ears and yelling LALALALALALALALAlA at the top of their voice has gone up ten fold since 2001.

So now you know you are armed with the latest Ginger knowledge. And ignorance of the facts was your greatest danger.  Be Safe, take steps, and BE VIGILANT.

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~ by mikepitch on March 19, 2010.